Bah humbug, baby.

Ballad of the Baby Blues

Most people who know me know how much I love the fall and winter holidays.  I’m a fall baby, but my birthday being in December sort of predicates my love of all things Christmas.  

 Having said that—bahumbugh.

No really, this holiday season can go take a flying leap off the nearest cliff. It can dissolve into a molten lava of glittery  glop and flow right down the gutter. 

I’ve honestly been beating myself up for feeling this way. Its Cannon’s first  every thing and I could not be anymore apathetic about it.  Actually, that’s really contradictory.  I just confirmed that I could be more apathetic.  Anyway, let me not talk myself into circles and take you with me.  I just mean that I have had nothing but  fear, regret and disdain for this entire holiday season.

Before Cannon was born I was ecstatic.   I had huge plans for our little family and all the grand things we’d be doing for his first experiences. I’d envisioned photo shoots and giant gatherings with extended family and friends. I had hopes of an intimate family vacation and just all these giant illusions of grandeur.  

None of those things have come to fruition. Our little family hit some major snags not in the least of these things being a drastic financial hit that started during my pregnancy. The stress and strain of being a one job family of three who lives in separate locations due to employement has taken its toll on me.

For all intents and purposes I’m a full time single mom.  Now, I would consider myself “self employed” as a published author, but there ain’t been a lot of writing in the past year and there damn sure hasn’t been any since our little ballistic made his way into the world.  One isn’t really inspired to write about love, romance and sex with a colicky near four month old hanging from one’s nipples. Particularly when said baby is busy screaming and suffering from major reflux when he isn’t swinging from one’s nipples.

Add that to the host of other things going on in our little world and you’ve got the makings for a world class case of the baby blues.  My hormones are still all over the place, I’ve got cabin fever like you wouldn’t believe ( so much so that I’ve literally BEGGED people to come and have extended visits with me…I don’t like people.  I particularly don’t like people in my house). I fell and sprained my left wrist, then I fell and fractured it...twice. 

All this to say…I just wasn’t feeling Christmas this year. I didn’t even play any holiday music. No tree went up, no hours cruising around ritzy areas of the DFW looking at lights and hoping they didn’t call the cops and accuse me of casing the neighborhood.  No homemade eggnog, no glow wine, no elaborate meal or over abundance of cookie baking…just no.

Mostly I’ve sat with my kid in my lap and cried, because I love Christmas. I wanted Christmas. I was robbed of Christmas and I robbed Cannon of Christmas, not that he is old enough to understand, but some day I’m going to be flipping through his memories with him and when  I get to his first holidays I’m going to have to stop and say “Listen Cannonball, mommy was going through some crap in her head so that first year we just sat around and binge watched phineas and ferb. You screamed and I wondered if I got a broken baby, then I beat myself up because you’re perfect, its  me who was a broken mommy and subpar wife and a wanna be writer.”

And there it is folks.

God bless us all, everyone.

*Having  postpartum depression is a very common thing for mothers, both first time and experienced.   It can swing from the mild baby blues to the need for medical and psychiatric attention.   While it may seem that I make light of it, I recognize for some it is a debilitating issue.   A lot of women think that you have to feel as if your wanting to harm your baby or others, but that's not always indicator of ppd. Its mostly about feeling outside your normal self. PPD is most often a  period of marked depression and self doubt.  If you suffer or think you are suffering from more than just mild baby blues, know that its ok to seek help.