Dispair and Disney and the BFP

 

     We were married and became a family of 3 on 3-3-13. We lost our second baby in June of that same year. Aiden was in Kindergarten and we decided to spend our 1st anniversary at Disneyland. This would be our new tradition. Disney in March.  It was an amazing trip. It was our anniversary of becoming a family and it was Aiden's first time. The staff at Disneyland treat you like royalty when you have that anniversary button on and along with Aiden's first timer button it was a dream!  Even as we floated around the happiest place on earth- I still thought of the baby I should have been carrying. We went home and started the serious task of TTC!

    If you say age is just a number- you have never had that number thrown in your face constantly. I am of 'advanced maternal age'. Im healthy as can be, every thing checked out by all of the specialists ...no reason to have lost our angel baby and no reason I couldnt have another. We tried it all, and I was glued to the internet for any glimmer of hope from women who had been successful at my advanced age. ick.. doesnt that just sound gross? ... 'advanced maternal age'.... gross.

     We spent all of 2014 trying to get pregnant. I know it doesnt sound like a long time for couples who try for years but because of my age (gross), I didnt have years to try. After 2 failed rounds of artificial insemination and another heartbreaking loss I made peace with the fact that our family was complete the way it was and we ran to Disneyland, our happy place. We didnt wait until March, we went to see the Christmas lights. In January 2015 we spent an amazing week in Disney bliss and showered all of our love and hope for the future on our one and only perfect little boy.

     The whole time we were in the magic kingdom I was battling being sick. I was nauseous, had a headache, and I was so tired I could barely drag myself out of bed. I was taking dayquil like water just to be able to put on my happy face. Even though we decided to be happy as a threesome, I was still secretly watching my ovulation sticks for go time.  I also was fighting the urge to jump on my phone and google, headaches, nausea and fatigue as pregnancy symptoms. Of course I have read every article ever published by now but I always reread them every month during that hopeful 2 week waiting period.

   The second my coat hit the hook when we got home I took a pregnancy test. (I didnt tell anyone I was hopeful let alone testing,... after all... Im old as the hills remember). The test turned positive immediately. I ran out and bought 5 more tests and took them over the next 5 days.  (still secret) I made a doctor appointment and snuck off to see the doctor. I was bursting with hope and still managing to hide it. My doctor jumped up and down hugging me telling me "you did it, you did it by yourself without any help from me!" So.. it was confirmed but there was still a chance for loss so I kept it secret! ONLY ME... alone in my joy and worry. I was trying not to let my husband or anyone else know until I felt it was going to stick. I waited until the 10 week appointment. It was hard trying to hide how I was feeling. My husband kept asking me to help him with things like lifting heavy objects and finally I snapped at him.... He was lifting a piece of heavy equipment out of the truck and asked me to help.... He must have thought I was losing it... I started crying then got really mad and yelled at him that I cant lift stuff and he cant make me!  Then I ran in the house and probably threw some things.  I blamed it on the fact that I had recently given up coffee.... who was I kidding? It was definitely time to tell someone for the white coats came for me!

 

   So... the BFP announcement.....   My bundle of joy was due in September and my husband's birthday was in September so I decided to buy him a birthday card and I put a gift card that said BABY inside. I arranged for all of our family to go out to dinner and I would give him his card.  I told him he had a present due on his birthday... it took him a few but then the tears came. He thought I was having some sort of nervous breakdown... ......  nope just trying to hide the biggest secret ever!

.................oh..................... and if you havent heard ............Im old................ (gross)