*just a quick
note. This blog is the prime example of
the type of insanity that happens to a person like me. As a writer, times of sleeplessness used to be some of my most productive times creatively. Motherhood has reduced me to a rambling ball of nerves wrapped up in oily skin and topped with a frizzy afro. This was started on the 3rd
of January and so much has gone on that I can’t even remember where I was going
with it. Changes in color indicate the
different times I’ve opened this to write.
I can’t blame my insomnia on new motherhood, I wish I could
though. Its just been compounded by this new station in life.
I didn't used to
suffer from insomnia. I enjoyed it. Embraced it. I mean sure
I had my moments but for the most part meh, it was just a part of
me. Now I resent it. It takes me forever to fall asleep and I can't
let myself go to deeply because it's just me here to take care of baby
boy. With his reflux he has choked in is sleep twice this month
alone. And that's actually after seeing a huge improvement in the last
few weeks. Eben when he has his good night's he still nurses every two to
three hours and afterwards I need to pump. And I realize that when he
stops nursing at night I'll STILL have to get up on cycle to pump. That's
20 to 30 additional minutes. Sometimes by the time I've finished
pumping, labeled and stored the milk, I crawl in bed almost
in time for him to open his eyes and give me a gummy "I'm hungry
ma" smile. Most nights I pump and keep at least one bottle in the
room with us just to catch a small break. Sometimes, when he doesn't wake
up, I try to ignore the burning and the leaking only to give up and
tearfully drag my but to the pump. I've dropped bags of fresh
squeezed boob juice ....sometimes I've spilt every drop, didn't even get
it detached from the pump. And I'm typically a "producer" so
we're talking 12 ounces of milk here. nothing feels as good as the nights
when daddy is home and I can count on him to hold a bottle in his sleep while I
pump. For that matter pumping in the day is hard bc my little guy doesn't like
to sit/lay on his own after feeding so that I can pump. He'd rather just
latch on again please and thanks ma. So my pumping sessions tend to be limited
to the night time hours.
I just lost my train
of thought. Cannon just rolled over to nurse, this time I'm more a
pacifier. I didn't used to suffer from insomnia. I used to enjoy it.
And what do I do when I can’t sleep. One would think that I’d
bust out my lapto and write; that with all that’s going on in my life
pertaining to motherhood I’d have a million and one anecdotes to jot down. I do…have
a thousand stories a day and honestly I put them on my facebook as a way of documenting them because even
with the fancy phone I got as an “omg! You’re pregnant and I’m going to freak
out so as your husband and dat baby daddy you gone get this phone and shut up”
gift, I am barely functioning. Actually sitting at my desk to write is so rare…it
just requires getting up. I don’t get up unless I have to pump, pee or
eat. Just keeping it real.
Now, part of that has to do with depression…not just post
partum, but other issues. It’s
exhausting. When I find myself
inexplicably awake after hours of bouncing, singing, diapering, carrying and
nursing I just really don’t even what to blink.
Breathing actually takes too much effort.
I’m getting better. Once a week I maniacally clean the house and
rush the trash can down to the curb. I
do laundry and I fold it and sometimes I even get it back to the correct closets.
The Thin White Duke
has died. I’m nowhere near awake enough
to process this. I just can’t. Why would I even be awake to see it cross my
timeline. Like, they literally just posted
this…dear lord, I gotta check on Selah. I wonder if I should text Cannon’s
Godfather. His mom is going to freak. It’s
way too early to text. I’ll just post on facebook and then check when I wake
up.
Cannon and this rolling over. Oh my gosh. I woke up to go pump
and I can hear him talking and fussing. I step back in the room and witness him
just rolling around like a…little Cannonball. How does he always wake up when I’m
pumping? I go pump, basically because
you are asleep and not eating, but some how just after I pump you’re awake and
hungry? And people wonder why I’m sleepy
and cranky.
Crawling. I just witnessed my baby crawling. I thought I was just hallucinating. I closed
my eyes and he was a few inches closer than he was before. Sleep drug me down
but as I opened my heavy lids again he was closer still. I sat up and paid
attention. It’s so slow and boy does he sound pissed, but seriously this boy is
crawling. Okay, this…I don’t know if I should cry or laugh or both. I’m scared.
It will be a while before it’s a good mobile moving around type of thing, but
can he just slow down. I need like a week of sleep before I’m ready for this.
Cannon, just stop you barely turned four months old. What the hell was in those vaccines they gave
you this morning? I gotta find my phone, no one is going to believe me if I don’t
get this on video.
Today is my anniversary. Ten years. 10 and we’ve known each
other since forever really. Not really forever but you know longer than ten
years. Like, 16 years. That has nothing
to do with anything really, but it occurred to me that I was still working on
this blog and how I am all awkward insomniac rambling so I could add this
and maybe it would make sense. Looking, back on everything, none of it
really makes sense. Maybe that’s what I
was going for? How insomnia combined
with new motherhood makes things not make sense.
Crap there goes the baby waking up. I knew I should have just
taken my laptop to the bedroom. Doesn’t this kid ever sleep more than 10
minutes at a time? I should have asked them that as his check up. Is it normal
for a four month old to only sleep in cat naps?Maybe he has insomnia as well.
Can babies have insomnia?
Okay, The word count is
over a thousand. I sound crazy. I don’t even know how this thing started. I used to so enjoy my insomnia. I got crap
done, I wrote books, drank coffee, made love.
Now, all I do is pump and troll facebook. Oh, well at least my stash of
milk is back up. Too bad no one has contacted me about buying it yet.
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