I wasn't ready

I wasn’t ready, and I’m still not.

I've been a lot of things in my life. Done a lot of "jobs". Retail/fast food management, office management, customer service rep, drug screening, pr rep, online promotions rep, direct sales, nanny.

I've been a professional cuddle buddy, a writer, a radio personality, a cook, a waitress and a counselor. I've even been a foster mom.  Being a stay at home mom is by far the scariest, hardest, greatest thing I've ever done. I'm scared I'm going to break him or warp him. I'm afraid I don't know enough about anything to teach him. I'm terrified of not being able to provide him with everything he needs and some stuff he wants.  Like all parents Alpha and I want to give him the world.  We want him to have what we didn't and honestly our parents gave us a lot.  We want him to have better and know how to get it for himself.  It's daunting to think that I'm in charge of this little life. Everything I do, every moment will have affected his outcome. It’s humbling. It makes me cry...makes me want to call my parents and apologize for thinking I knew it all. For judging the way they did things. It makes me look at other mother's with compassion. Even when I think "wayment...wtf is she doing?" I just want to walk over and hug them and say " I feel you, girl." I realize I'm not as selfless as I thought I was and I miss being selfish. I had an epiphany in the summer of 2014. I wasn't really ready to be a mom. That was crazy considering the time and energy and MONEY we'd already invested.  I wasn't ready. I'm not ready. I might not ever be ready. I'm trying to figure out how to balance being me and living the life I'd just decided I wanted with being a mom. I know that I have to show him that he can be Cannon and live life to his highest desires. I have to do that by...well doing that. I'm just not sure how to "do that".  I'm learning. Every day.